Saturday 10 February 2018

Five ways to expose yourself as a Railway Enthusiast

Exposing yourself to friends and family, relieving yourself of the fraud status of trying to ignore that Class 37 storming over your local level crossing, we will help you feel you can grab your protective cased iPhone and snap away at that Tractor without remorse.

Here are Five ways to finally expose yourself as a Railway Enthusiast.

5. Silver Dining

Now this is an expensive course of action, but what is the price of a life of relief and being true to yourself? For a mere £900 each, you can hand over your money to a Steam Railtour operator to travel in style with the person you are yet to expose yourself to. When handing over that cheque, you are ready for a 4.7% chance of the Railtour actually operating, the Railtour company not going bust or having its services banned from the railway hours before your big exposure.

Should you be lucky enough to actually get on your Railtour and sit at a table, now is the chance to sit back and wonder as your guest marvels at the Diesel Replacement engine on the front. At this moment you can reminisce how disappointed you are that the Steam locmotive had failed and BAM, you acknowledge how much you like steam locomotives too. Winner.

4. When Railway Museums have weird exhibits

Now as a closet Railway Enthusiast you may have a friend or family member, who has an equally boring hobby - such as space ships. You are in luck, Railway Museums currently disposing of national assets are instead filling their museum(s) with space 'stuff' from their parent museum.

Jump up and down excitedly on seeing where Tim Peake took a crap on his re-orbit and marvel at its space thingy. On the way to see this, you will pass real national icons. The pay and ride Thomas the Tank Engine. While you bounce up and down on the back of your £1 investment, then is the time to expose yourself that the ride on the way to the space junk was brilliant. 

3. Have Kids

This is worth putting in the effort of finding a partner, mating, raising and growing your offspring to around the age of 3 years old. At this point you slowly introduce Thomas the Tank Engine (reluctantly).

There is a clear method on commenting on every 'Peppa Pig Day' that is displayed from your favourite Steam Railway, 'Shall we do this one hun? Little Shit would love it'. You're commenting on your railways page in the wide open world, noone even blinks at your clear show of rail enthusiasm.

While said little shit is gawping at the wonder of someone sweating as Peppa Pig, you can check out the valve gear on that 'Hall' class.

You merely ride on the coattails of your child between the age of 3 and 7 as they move onto large Dogs Patrolling CGI Towns. That is 4 years of unadulterated rail enthusiasm, once the child has had enough and sees life through there iPhone 38X - it is back in the closet.

2. Move to the North

Northern people have had a lifetime of bouncing up and down on tracks that escaped Beechings axe and the joy of constant queuing in the rain for rail replacement buses. Their fascination for railways is an untapped resource that you can merely claim as your own.

All Northern people hate trains as their level of enthusiasm rests with the well loved 'Nodding Donkeys', any sign of a slight piece of interest in anything beyond a Pacer is simply extraordinary.

Move to the North, like Trains and live as a King.

1. Moan about Trains, constantly all day

There was once a magical time in which Internet Forums were the forefront of angst and villainy. Paintwork was a particular subject that would have Moderators weeing in their own encrusted armchairs.

Now we have social media and the angst is quick, brutal and a mere faction of what is happening in the real world behind those closed blinds.

One channel to simply come out as a Railway Enthusiast is quite simple, channel your enthusiasm into moaning about anything to do with Railways. The colours of them, the cost of them, the faces on them, the Teddy Bears attached to them.

This a foolproof way of channelling your railway enthusiasm, we are yet to see any hardcore railway enthusiasts who constantly moan about the hobby they believe is their 'enthusiasm'. You could possibly be the first?

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